Greetings from the Omnigraphic Blogopticon. On view are vile sticky things dragged from the attic, snarky commentary on the world at large, and all-encompassing ennui. All that and a weird rubbery smell. A horrible time will be had by all.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Brains Melted and Stuck to the Side

I have officially designated July as The Month of Suck, for the very reason illustrated below.


As you can see, last Saturday was a balmy 90 degrees Fahrenheit at 9:22 am, with the potential for 106 degrees. It fails to mention that the day before was at least 102 and that Sunday made it up to 105.

Awesome.

I can't be bothered to remember how many days over 99 degrees we had for the previous two weeks. No point, really, since the entire month of July has melted into one stinky blob. It's as though that page in the calendar has turned into a horrid combination of hot tar and sidewalk gum, delicately scented with sewer gas and bus vomit.

So no crafting whatsoever last weekend, despite all my plans--work on the beady purse, turn a giant black canvas messenger bag into a much smaller bag, sew something (I forget exactly what), and make some more jewelry.

Ha. Ha ha ha.

I only managed to stick to the sofa with a container of ice cream melting in my lap while reading those god-awful Twilight novels. Remind me to stick to mad scientists, zombies, the thing that ate the grandma, and Martians because I don't think I can take any more whiny emo vampires. I'm not sure who I want to punch first, Edward or Bella. Most likely Edward for all that "not 'til we're married" crapola.

Or I'll just klunk their heads together like Moe.

I would have polished all four of them off in less than a week if they had arrived in order like I'd hoped. At one point I had book 1 and 4 and had to fill in for a week with Jan Brunvand's The Study of American Folklore because, to paraphrase a line from The Big Bang Theory, I prefer Stephenie Meyer disappoint me in the order she had intended.

As an antidote I've started reading Koushun Takami's Battle Royale because now I'm in the mood for some Japanese students killing each other. I blame the wimpy vampires.

10 comments:

Obsidian Kitten said...

Melty melt melt. Melt.

Finally below 90 here.

Summer sucks martian ass.

Severina said...

I am so ready for October.

Mouse said...

I borrowed all 4 Twilight books from a friend-- I probably would have finished them faster but its really hard to read and roll your eyes at the same time. The sparkling in the sun and celibacy thing just made me want to hork... I much preferred the wolves to those so-called vampires. The only thing that got me through the books was imagining match-ups with other fictional characters & the Cullens. You know.. like Blade vs. Edward. LOL.

Severina said...

The wolves were actually fun. I mean you could go out in the yard and play fetch afterwards.

Sooooo, what would have happened had Edward really sucked in bed and now vampire Bella was stuck with him for an eternity? It would be the perfect comeuppance for these two dinks to suffer through really bad sex for the next few hundred years.

Mouse said...

The whole 108 degree body temperature would be awesome too because I am constantly cold... but even though I liked the wolves I kept reminding myself of how I'm so NOT a dog person.
SMeyer did try really hard at the end of 'Breaking Dawn' to be Anne Rice though, I gave her credit for introducing eleventy new vampires all at once so that you needed a flow chart. Of course, if it WAS an Anne Rice book, you'd have known what all eleventy vampires were wearing down to the button detailing on their shirts AND what their entire lineage was.

Severina said...

I like dogs. But once summer comes those 108 degree werewolves will have to sleep in the damn yard.

By the time I got near the end of Breaking Dawn I just wanted the fool thing to end already so I kinda skimmed the eleventy new vampires. The fountain-of-blood/bone-cracking/vampire-baby-birth was a total laugh riot, though.

What, that was meant to be serious?

Mouse said...

What threw me into fits of laughter was the whole "feed Bella human blood in a colored cup so that she couldn't see what she was drinking". I pictured her sitting on the couch with a second hand Big Gulp cup and a straw just sucking up that tasty O negative.
I'd probably have the same reaction to the wolves that I have to my Capt. Jack when he tries to sleep on my feet in this heat -- shove him on the floor!

Severina said...

At least Capt. Jack only lies on your feet--Grady hurls himself at top speed and flops across my collarbones while I'm trying to read. He'll usually wrap his giant paws around my left shoulder and rub his face all over my chin. Whenever I'm lying down he flops full-length across my entire torso.

There's just too much damn cat for that kinda nonsense in the summer.

Obsidian Kitten said...

That damn ocicle shoulda come with a warning label.

Severina said...

I think you have to connect all his spots to read the warning.

I think I've got enough ocicle here to make a couple of normal-sized cats.