Greetings from the Omnigraphic Blogopticon. On view are vile sticky things dragged from the attic, snarky commentary on the world at large, and all-encompassing ennui. All that and a weird rubbery smell. A horrible time will be had by all.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

It's Really Stupid

I forgot a stupid thing I was going to put into my last post. No, it wasn't another picture of a fat-assed spotted cat, or more needlework I haven't finished. Nope. It was something much more magical!

*makes magic sound*

Or not.

If you've ever lived in a large Southern city you've more than likely run across waterbugs. "Waterbug" is a nice, refined word for "giant cockroach". They're much, much bigger than the regular run-of-the-mill kind, but a tad smaller than Palmetto Bugs and thankfully don't seem to have the ability to fly. They're also not those things called waterbugs that twirl around in ponds and mind their own business.

When I first moved here I got all grossed out at the big-ass cockroaches stampeding through peoples' kitchens and behaving like they owned the place. "If you have waterbugs, you don't have cockroaches," they'd insist. Some even claimed waterbugs ate the cockroaches.

Ha. Ha fucking ha ha ha.

These morons didn't seem to want to own up to the fact that they had giant filthy mutant bugs waddling around all over everything they owned with their nasty bug feet. I swear some of these people named the fool things. In places like that you only drank their beer and left before anybody broke out the edibles because the thought of bug tracks in the butter was just too much to bear.

And yes, I have seen with my own eyes cockroaches and waterbugs cohabitating in an unclean and unnatural fashion.

So, a couple of weeks ago I came into work and saw a waterbug at least three inches long lying on its back on the floor. I walked past it a couple of times as I turned on the lights and shut off the alarm and figured it had got into some bug poison and keeled over and died during the night. "Good riddance, you fat bastard," I thought. I figured that if somebody stepped on it there would be a lot of guts squirted and tracked across the floor so I decided to get it by the antenna and fling it outside. My coworker had just pulled up and when I stepped outside I held it up and made a face. She said, "ewwwwwww!" from her Jeep and waited for me to get rid of the nasty thing.

I tossed it away and as soon as it hit the sidewalk it rocketed back towards me. The only thing I could think of was that I didn't want bug guts on my shoe so I kicked it away instead of stomping the life out it, and of course it galloped back towards me like a rabid dog. While I'm kicking and yelling "gaaah!!!" my coworker is shrieking "ewww!" from her Jeep. I yelled and kicked it away from me about four times in a troublingly insane little dance before it finally changed direction and disappeared between some cobblestones, probably lying in wait for its next victim. Holy crap. I was sure it would ambush me when I took out the trash and hit me over the head with a lead pipe.

Then it would crawl on me with its nasty cockroach feet. Ewwwwwww.

I'm guessing the damned thing was lounging in the air conditioner, on its back like Grady, and I had to come along and wake it up. Brrrrr!

It has nothing whatsoever to do with the scary illustration above. I've had that lying around for a couple of months now and I've never had a good reason to use it. Not that this post is a good reason.


Mouse said...

Our new house is surrounded by trees- pine trees & oaks. We have palmetto bugs in the house almost every day.. and they reduce me to a shrieking screaming standing on a chair girly girl in a matter of minutes. Its horrible but I have this FEAR of something that huge and roach-like. My husband always says "but they're NOT roaches" as if that's supposed to make me feel better. Of COURSE they're not roaches.. ROACHES aren't 2 inches long and HAVE FRICKIN' WINGS! *passes out*

Obsidian Kitten said...

Something about the heat and humidity south of the Mason-Dixon line breeds insanely large, slimy-looking, incredibly horrible bugs of the palmetto and water variety. The fact that they don't bite and aren't poisonous is of no comfort to me whatsoever. Their sinister waving antennae, their filth-tracking feet, their enormous size and copious innards are just inexplicably horrible. Way more horrible, in fact, than any ordinary cockroach.

And the fact that the palmetto bugs fling themselves into the air with the pretense of making flight is even more horrfying to me, because anything of that weight and size should not be clumsily propelling itself towards me IN THE AIR. Bad enough that they scurry towards you on the ground.

Ugh. These two varieties of insectoid horror are reason enough to move northward. Weigh in there the fire ants and the humidity... Remind me again: why does anyone still live down south?