From Hell Crafts Came

I'm going to guess you haven't even started on your Xmas decorations, have you? What the hell's wrong with you? Run out of yarn? Not enough coffee???

I've decided to be helpful, despite my fevered delirium, and hunt up some quick 'n' easy crafting ideas and only a few of them are made from garbage. I'm sure you've run completely out of garbage by now so I'll wait a bit while you sneak out the back and rummage around through the neighbors' trash cans. Dig around way down at the bottom under the coffee grounds because that's where the good stuff is.


I don't know about you, but I don't have enough pipe-cleaner Rat Angels or Shocked Santas hanging from my tree. Santa's been watching everything you do on the sofa and he doesn't like it one bit. "What are you doing???" he seems to shriek as he flings his arms out. The Rat Angel is a bit ambivalent, like he's seen it already and is beyond caring. He then flitters away on his ginormous Dumbo ears.

Because you've been steadily raiding the medicine cabinets of your friends and their grandmas for "free samples" you've got a few extra pill bottles around the house. By "extra" I mean they're crammed under the sofa cushions, lurking in the fridge, and rolling around in the tub, so you've got plenty for this next project. With one bottle, a cheap plastic angel, and some string you can lovingly create this Oxycontin Ornament. It kinda helps to peel at least part of the label off.

See, in the dead of winter I always have extra daisies littering the house and I can never think of what to do with them. I mean, usually I just eat them but there's only so many flowers a girl can cram in. I've been told some people decorate with the damn things but I'm a little suspicious. So if you really insist on doing that I can at least point you in the direction of this Cheery Owl Centerpiece. See, he's disguised as a snowman. Festive!

No, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about but I can always blame the fever.

Since you've been hoarding bleach bottles like they're going out of style I think you should make a few Pervy Snowmen to decorate for the holidays. See, he's whipping open his little cape and showing you his junk. What, you think that's a broom?

Killjoy.

Don't even try to tell me this next one is a broom. Dammit.

Is that a mushroom or is that can really happy to see you? I won't tell anyone. Really. At least not while you're in the room.

Like pretty much every craft idea from 1970 that didn't involve paper mache or decoupage, this Priapic Storage Container is lovingly assembled from burlap and felt. I'm quite impressed by the felt glitter-substitute that shows just how magical this piece is. As you can see, it can be used to store that extra garbage you haven't crafted anything clever out of yet. I hear there's a pretty sharp Easter Bunny you can make out of wadded-up paper, chicken bones, and a paperclip.

Of course, being either lazy or cruel, I've completely neglected to post these Halloween ideas which could have saved you pots and pots of money during this recession by showing you how to craft your own costumes and decorations. Your friends would have never known you cheaped out and didn't buy them from the store, but then all your friends are probably drunk off their asses and wouldn't have noticed if you wandered into their house dressed in a refrigerator box. So it kind of didn't matter, did it?

Anyhow. You pretty much spent all year wondering what you would dress up as for Halloween. Planning and plotting but still coming up empty, then buying that cheap-ass witch hat from the drugstore at the last minute. I know you.

Now Halloween 2010 is only eleven months away so I suggest you start saving up your plastic bleach bottles for this cheerful Monkey-Clown Death Mask, since you used up your stash on Pervy Snowmen. There's not much more horrifying than a monkey or a clown so why not combine the two in a hellish hybrid? Handing out candy to the neighborhood kids? I suggest putting it on before you open the door so you'll have all that candy to yourself, plus anything the little beasts drop on the sidewalk as they scramble away.


I see they finally found the Skeletal Remains of Ike Broflovski. Someone has pretty disturbing ideas about the human anatomy and I blame budget cuts in the American school system. I'm sure in a biology lab somewhere there's a battered old skeleton with the forearms jerry-rigged onto the neck and a white balloon stuck on in place of the skull that the junior Satanists in Mrs. Neilson's sixth-grade science class stole.

There's not much else I can say about it. Not enough coffee, really. But it is mostly made of garbage, so that's something.

Feh. I'm going back to bed.