Greetings from the Omnigraphic Blogopticon. On view are vile sticky things dragged from the attic, snarky commentary on the world at large, and all-encompassing ennui. All that and a weird rubbery smell. A horrible time will be had by all.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Hateful Gifts For One And All

You know it's that time of year when you see those people at the bottom of your list that you don't particularly like. That strange aunt who plays "pull my finger". The neighbor who takes the really good parking place out front every evening. The co-worker who decorates his cubicle with inspirational posters. You know, anyone you haven't offended with your "gifts" already or perhaps those who haven't learned their lesson in the previous years.

Of course it's much, much too late in the year to knit up this flashy sweater, you forgot to buy that battered cheese log at the Salvage Barn, plus you realized you're just too damn lazy to even shoplift a Chia Pet from the corner drug store. So what do you do?

What do you do? Well for starters you have some coffee.

I'm guessing you've already made everything from Last Minute Half-Assed Xmas Gifts, Gifts For People You Don't Like Very Much, and Gifts For People You Hate More Than Life Itself so you've come here in a desperate attempt to salvage your little holiday crap-fest. If it's a crap-fest you're planning, then a crap-fest it shall be.

But first, I wouldn't say "no" to another cup of coffee.

I'm not suggesting that you embroider this tasteful wall hanging of a Giant Avenging Nipple, because you haven't got time for that kind of foolishness. I say haul out the crayons, some mangy felt, a bottle of tequila and have at it. Make a wall hanging out of an old pillow case, draw it on the back of an acid-washed jean jacket with markers, or scribble it in the center of a paper bag, who the hell cares. I know I don't. Give it to that ex-boyfriend in honor of his ham-fisted attempts at foreplay.

Hey! That mug looks a little empty. More coffee? Certainly!

Remember that time you got really, really drunk and made a crapload of Halloween decorations? You don't? Hopefully your next gift recipient doesn't either.

This "upcycled" bleach-bottle-and-toilet-paper Dirty Old Witch Candy Jar is perfect for that smug office jackass who's always yanking your plastic soda bottles out of the trash and putting them in the recycling bin and being really fucking obvious about it. Fill it with those fuzzy peppermints you found in that yardsale grandma purse, because that's recycling, too.

Have some more coffee?? Thank you!! I believe I will!!

Everyone loves turtles. Well, everyone except the designer of this little charmer who's been obviously hatin' on some damn turtles since way back. Save up all your used tissues and delicately mold them into a Leprous Floral Turtle and paint the resulting wad with the water you cleaned your brushes in last week and forgot about. This would be perfect for that trend-following hipster so tell them it's ironic and kitchy, because the hep kids on the internets are all digging the leprous turtles.

Oh my, the coffee pot is empty!!! What to do, what to do??? I know!!! Make another pot!!! Yes!!!

You've been wondering where are all the usual racist toys I manage to dig up, haven't you? You've also been wondering where the really lame gifts made of pipe cleaners are too, I bet. Maybe not, but I'm fevered and delirious at this point and the lights are real pretty and Abe Lincoln is talking to me through my TV and I can taste metal... Still, who on your list would turn down an Angry Eskimo if you told them you bought it from a little blind child who was selling them on the street corner? They'll be too guilt-ridden to throw it out and will be forced to display it prominently on their desk or hang it from the rear-view mirror. Try not to laugh hysterically every time you see it.

Aaaaand if you haven't already made enough crap out of old nuts, then here's a Whatever-the-Hell-It-Is, made of (what else?) old nuts. Leave this one on the desk of that fussy little busybody who's allergic to tree nuts, all the while waxing poetic about those long-ago times when you were a child and your grandfather taught you how they handcrafted gifts in Ye Olde Country out of old nuts and hot glue.

Heeeey4yy!!!1 Coffee shotssx!!! Woo000ooo!!11!

collapses twitching into a sweaty heap


Obsidian Kitten said...

If Pipe-Cleaner Eskimo is Figure No. 3, I shudder to imagine what Figures No. 1 and 2 might have been.

Severina said...

Imagine a whole page of awe and wonder, all made of old nuts and pipe cleaners and dryer lint. A vast magical world...!


Actually, it was all crap.

Now the opposite page, mind you, had Witchie-Poo there and some stuff I'm saving for when I've had more coffee.


Scott said...

That Eskimo looks fabulous. And it doesn't look like an Eskimo either.

Severina said...

Inexplicably, there's always an Eskimo in these old craft mags. My fave is the insane nekkid one from 1918.

I weep for the Inuit peoples.

Obsidian Kitten said...

Back in 1918 they didn't have AC Moore or Michael's, either. So from where exactly DID they get their heaps of popsicle sticks and tongue depressors and tree nuts and burnt matches and pipe cleaners?

Now you don't mean to suggest that they smoked actual pipes back then, do you?

Severina said...

I guess in the olden days people had to actually collect their own garbage instead of buying it by the bag at Lazy McCrafty's.


the black purl said...

Sadly I wanted those knee high scrumble slippers. I need to figure out which of my relatives crochet, then make him/her hate me more than life itself.