Greetings from the Omnigraphic Blogopticon. On view are vile sticky things dragged from the attic, snarky commentary on the world at large, and all-encompassing ennui. All that and a weird rubbery smell. A horrible time will be had by all.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Craft Fail Extravaganza

This weekend I spent three days glueing and molding and accomplishing jack diddly. The Gods of Craft mock me and fart in my general direction.

Craft Fail #1: I printed up several illustrations and glued them to glass, exactly like I've always done for those damnable Etsy pins. Then the next day I trimmed away the excess paper, as usual. All four peeled off with very little effort. WTF??? Normally it takes a lot of elbow grease and a very sharp X-Acto to scrape the pictures off the glass and these pretty much fell off in one piece. Same glue, same paper, same ink, same glass globs. No idea why they did this. I've even had a customer recently tell me she accidentally washed and put one of my pins in the clothes dryer and it survived unscathed so there's no reason the same exact glue should behave like this.

Craft Fail #2: I took a couple of glass thingies with the illustrations that had been securely stuck on last week and glued them to fabric, as usual. The fabric turned brittle and came off the glass in chips so I couldn't use those either.

Craft Fail #3: I was rummaging around in a tin of clock parts and inexplicably chose the most boring metal piece in there and decided to use the last of my silicone to make a mold of it because I thought I needed multiple boring metal pieces, only in colored plastic. Well, they wound up being even more boring than the original, if that's possible. You can't even tell they were molded from anything remotely interesting.

Observe teh boring. Sneer at the two identically dull round items in the bottom row. Or better yet, don't waste your energy. Go watch some paint dry.

Craft Fail #4: I discovered one bottle of my two-part plastic resin had a dried crust on the surface so I cracked it and poured a spoonful of it and mixed it in with the other and some powdered pigment, as fucking usual. It started frothing and swelling up in the molds and turning battleship gray instead of a nice bronze. Fine. I thought I could paint it and file down the backs. Ha! They never hardened. Two days later they're still bendy and spongy and completely useless for jewelry.

This is what I got for my birthday on Sunday. Total craft fail. Nobody gave me a new Strangling Robot or even a flamethrower. Hell, I could certainly use a flamethrower.


David Grove said...

I think "rummaging in a tin of clock parts" and "battleship gray" are beautiful chunks of language. I'm tempted to steal them and work them into a poem. (I always spell gray "grey," though--looks greyer that way.) If the poem turned out well, I'd owe some of my craft succeed to you. You look pretty in your photo. Maledictus qui venit in nomine domine.

Severina said...

I think I'd consider "An Ode to Frothing and Swelling" or perhaps several lines of free verse on the attributes of "two identically dull round items".

But that's just me.

Shrinky Inky said...

step away from the craft area carefully. they are definitely out to get you.

and happy belated passing of yet another year. Mine is on the 23rd. old.old.old.

Scott said...

Maybe you should sell the paint-smeared piece of paper the boring clock bits are resting on. Those Etsy folk would be on that like stink on an ape.

Severina said...

I wouldn't be at all surprised. I should build a frame for it, then glue the boring crap onto the paper and frame it as Insane Hobo Art.

That is, if I can get the goddamned glue to hold.

Obsidian Kitten said...

I think by mentioning Etsy Shop Sales-less-ness perhaps we have angered the Craft Gods, leading to an inordinate percentage of Craft Fail. I myself had to rip two whole rows of completley brainless knitting out yesterday, on a super-easy pattern I've already done three times. See? It's not just you.

So Happy Craft Fail Day. I mean, Birthday. Or Cat Drool Bucket Day. Whatever you choose to celebrate.

I totally would've gotten you a flamethrower (and thrown in a bonus minion) had I known it was your birthday but, as you well know, such things are totally useless the day after.

Next year.

Obsidian Kitten said...

Well, there's always next year presuming I don't perish in a Craft Fail incident first.

Severina said...

Yeah, you never know when knitting can turn on you. I'm sorta afraid to even make eye contact with my yarn at this point as it may just burst into flames out of spite.

I've got to keep the craft supplies in line! I'll pull out my riding crop and handcuffs and see about disciplining the glue this weekend.

Obsidian Kitten said...

Can I watch?