Greetings from the Omnigraphic Blogopticon. On view are vile sticky things dragged from the attic, snarky commentary on the world at large, and all-encompassing ennui. All that and a weird rubbery smell. A horrible time will be had by all.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Dammit, the Sims Again

I'm still playing Sims 1. My computer doesn't have enough memory right now for Sims 2 and I've got thousands of cool Sims 1 things I've downloaded and collected over the years so I can't start all over just yet. I like that Sims 2 kids eventually grow up and move out and everyone ages but the smirks on the faces of Sims 2 women are incredibly icky, gaaahh!

I've got two neighborhoods going now, one Victorian that I've been playing for a while and I'm a little bored with and the other one is some strange 1980s-esque nightmare. I just started that one this week. Click on the pics for slightly bigger ones.

Remember Edward? Dim-bulb Edward, half-assed scientist and proud owner of an overactive set of naughty bits? He's kind of a little creep but he's fun to play with, and that's precisely his problem--women love to play with him. The wife finally got wise to his crap and tossed him and his rat Basil out of the house forcing him to temporarily shack up with the Petomaine twins, Fifi and Gigi. Fifi loved him, Gigi hated him. Or maybe that was the other way around... There was no room at Emmaline's house because by this point she and Edward had cranked out a grand total of seven kids. That's not counting the first two that social services carried away.

He eventually moved into the top floor apartment in a run-down neighborhood, right next to the very busy SimCity Railroad Station. That's the Dung Beetle Express chugging its way in at 3am (that's why the rent is so cheap). In case you were wondering, that's one of my trains from Railway Tycoon. I'm apparently really good at bankrupting railroad companies.

No pictures of the next bit. I was playing and not paying any damned attention to my photo album.

Edward's main scientific rival Ebenezer got a wee bit tired of Edward attempting to snog both his second wife Pippa and the reanimated corpse of his dead first wife Abigail so he shoved him and his rat into a time machine and sent them 100 years into the future. It was either that or kill him though I suppose he could have hacked him apart and sewed him together as something else less annoying.

So Edward has moved into the refurbished trailer recently vacated by the Hick family. He's still trying to get a hang of moving pictures, motor cars, and that thing that hangs on the wall that you yell into that makes girls come to his house. He's also pretty impressed that ladies in this era wear really short skirts and know about something called "family planning". He's not exactly sure what that is, but so long as it doesn't interfere with Sim "woo-hoo" he's all for it. He's now employed as a Test Subject, because while he claimed he was a scientist in the previous century, he was merely a dilettante living off his wife's money in a big fancy house with lab equipment he had no idea how to use. He's starting waaay at the bottom career-wise. I believe he's hoping for another rich wife.

He hasn't been in the new neighborhood very long but as you can see he's already run afoul of SimCity's local celebrities who are quite tired of his hogging all the town's available women. So far he's managed to merely annoy Robert Smith and Adam Ant, who now pretty much just ignore him and ramble on about guitars. Andrew Eldritch, on the other hand, has become Edward's sworn enemy, and they tend to swat at each other any time they cross paths. He even comes to Edward's house to tell him just how much he sucks. Possibly Andy's in a perpetual foul mood because there isn't a single smoke machine to be had in SimCity.

*Cut to mondo retarded fantasy scene of an alleyway wreathed in theatrical smoke. Edward is being jacked up by some guys in black while spaghetti western music plays in the background. We shall ignore this scene. Forget I even mentioned it.*

I'm not so impressed by the Robert Smith but the Adam Ant is frighteningly realistic. The only other Sim celebrities I have are Jane Russell, Marilyn Monroe, two Bettie Pages, neither of which are very good, James West (Robert Conrad version), and the first three Dr. Whos. Not much to download celebrity-wise for Sims 1 unless you really really want to populate your town with American Idol contestants, Paris Hilton, or members of Limp Bizkit. I would only do that if I could then send in a giant robot to stomp the town like you can in the old SimCity game. Or a volcano which would erupt smack in the middle of Paris Hilton's mansion. Yeah!

In case somebody is making a Sims 1 celebrity to-do list I want a Dave Vanian, a David Bowie, and a Gary Numan. Oh, and Devo. All five members in the yellow jumpsuits. And I wouldn't turn my nose up at Iggy Pop or Peter Murphy. Mebbe toss in John Cale and Nico, to top off a really depressing, strange neighborhood.

On to the Goth family. Remember them from the first Sims game? They don't tend to do much and I never play with them because they have a kid and they tend to be dreadfully dull. It's enough of a pain in the ass to get a Sim couple fed, washed and out the door to work every morning without the extra hassle of feeding a kid and sending them to school on top of that. Most times I delete the Goths because I get tired of them ringing the doorbell at inopportune moments. Once I drowned Bella and Cassandra in the pool just to give Mortimer something to really cry about.

I decided to re-do them, just to cause more conflict in Edward's life. I found a snazzy program called SimEnhancer which can make kids into adults and change interests and job skills as well as heads and clothing.

Mortimer, Cassandra, and Bella Goth. Originals on the left. Cassandra is now a rebellious 18-year-old and Mortimer and Bella are a bit more Addams Family. No reason other than I have a ton of downloads from Grim Sims and no other Sims were using them in this neighborhood. I guess I could have left them the way they were and just growed up Cassandra, but it's too late now.

Enter Edward. Of course. Mortimer and Bella are furious that Cassandra has taken up with a guy twice her age and that she's sneaked him up to her bedroom for a little Sims "woo-hoo" on several occasions. Lectures and accusations and a massive fight send her storming out of the house...

...and straight to Edward's waiting arms. A little cheering up, a lot of slobbering, and off they go for a weekend at the beachfront No-Tell Motel. No, they didn't pack any suitcases since they don't plan on leaving the room.

I have no life.

Additional crap added later:

Of course Edward and Cassandra's illicit holiday doesn't work out as planned. Bella manages to track them down and gets into a shrieking match with Edward at the No-Tell in front of a gawking crowd and completely embarrasses Cassandra. On top of that, the manager throws them out.

Tune in next time.


Scott said...


Also, my word verification is "inwidin". That needs a definition. Or maybe it's a small city in New Zeland.

Severina said...

You snoring at my Sims???

I guess they're just not nekkid enough for you. I don't have any mud-wrestling Sims, sorry.