Greetings from the Omnigraphic Blogopticon. On view are vile sticky things dragged from the attic, snarky commentary on the world at large, and all-encompassing ennui. All that and a weird rubbery smell. A horrible time will be had by all.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Holy Crap, 1983--pt. 2

After my last post on Unspeakable 1980s Van Horrors, my brother wanted to know, randomly I hope, if there was a van toilet available. No. Despite there being all sorts of solid-wood van furniture, van sinks, a van backgammon table, and fancy brass van track lighting, there wasn't a van toilet to be had. So whizz away in that stainless steel colonial-style van sink to your heart's content!

See, there's even a colonial-style van hutch to house all your fine van china and Grandma's antique van silverware, and a skimpy little van clothes closet in case your old lady has been hasslin' you about not hanging up your threads. There's even a teeny little van fridge to put your Bud and Boone's Farm in.

Here's a set of really hoity-toity solid pine junk--a van hutch and a van wardrobe with a fussy little valance that's supposed to fit around the ceiling. Makes me wonder if there isn't a canopied van bed in the catalog somewhere and I haven't run across it yet. Don't ask me where in the van you're supposed to install all this crap. You almost have to pull a second van behind the first to fit it all in.

Vans. Meh. I know nothing of vans. Now pickup trucks, we had those in spades. I know all about pickup trucks. When I was looking for the aforementioned mythical van toilet for my brother I found a whole section on pickup truck accessories. Oh, bestill my heart! *swoons sarcastically*

You might think this is an old sofabed being utilized as an extra seat. You would be totally wrong. It's a brand-new sofabed made just for the back of a pickup truck. A sofabed. For the back of a pickup truck. Outside. Really.

For what it's worth the sofabed is covered in "plaid Herculon(R) olefin fabric" which unfortunately they don't say you can hose down or run through a car wash if need be.

Being from the South I have on multiple occasions seen real sofas being misused in this manner, usually when the sofa is too ratty for the den but still "too good" to be thrown away so they wind up being used for extra truck seating on long trips when they're not being used as porch furniture. Normally they are occupied by lardy redneck male offspring of all ages, usually shirtless and sunburnt, all waving/making faces/flipping rude gestures at you as you drive behind them. I won't even speculate on the carnival of smells it produces after it's been caught in the rain during a fishing trip or has had several generations of hound dogs and filthy children being born and/or conceived on it.

When I win that Oscar for Best Script Assistant For a Late-Night Infomercial you betcha I'm showing up in a pickup truck with lit-up running boards. See, it says "for a Grand Entrance" right there in the catalog. I mean you can't get much more Grand than pulling up to the curb in a pickup truck with light-up running boards and a plaid sofabed in the back.


Lady Euphoria Deathwatch said...

I'm thinking pickup truck with a camper back. You remember the kind with those cute little windows and doors.

Fun times back then to be sure.

Severina said...

Oh now the camper shell just takes all the fun out of it. I'm probably unduly influenced by the myriads of ugly inbred children I've seen being hauled around in the backs of pickup trucks sans camper.

One ungodly summer my brother and I and an unfortunate friend of mine rode something like eight hours to the beach in the back of a pickup with a borrowed camper shell, sitting on lawn furniture.

Most of the time I've blotted that particular memory out.

Obsidian Kitten said...

Now the sofa on the porch is a mighty fine Southrin tradition.

I love that.