Greetings from the Omnigraphic Blogopticon. On view are vile sticky things dragged from the attic, snarky commentary on the world at large, and all-encompassing ennui. All that and a weird rubbery smell. A horrible time will be had by all.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Questionable Holiday

Since there's no orange beastie to keep me occupied (waahhh!) I decided to crank up the ol' time/space machine and take a little holiday. I did manage to take photos, but since my digital camera sucks total ass the pics aren't so hot. This may also be due to some sort of anomaly in the space/time continuum causing digital images to look shockingly like an ill-conceived computer game from the mid 1990s. I'll use real film next time.

Please click on the images for more hideous detail. It'll be just like you all came along with me.

I wound up in the near future, in a strange place called Spudland, and was immediately recruited by the Smart Patrol. I sat around in Smart Patrol HQ bored out of my mind with Jamie and Jeremy, who are a couple of sanctimonious little dorks who say things like "We're the Smart Patrol and that's not smart." I was tempted to put a "kick me" sign on Jamie's back, and you know that's something I'd totally do, but I was feeling a little lazy. You know how much trouble it is to find paper and tape and stuff in somebody else's house?

I'm also not too chuffed about that bright green indoor-outdoor carpeting they've got going on there. That crap must have totally been on sale.

I then accompanied Tanya to Lifeforms Unlimited, where it was hoped I could observe some recombinant DNA experiments in action, but unfortunately the main experiment (the dreaded Turkey Monkey!) escaped and was at large in the city. I had to leave before I got rooked into searching for the bastard thing. You know the new recruit is always the one who gets eaten, slimed, boinked, and/or zombified by whatever horrible thing is out there. It all sounded suspiciously like sending an ensign in a red shirt with the Away Team and I didn't want any part of it. Nooo sir.

I mean, I don't live in Spudland, so why should I care if it eats people, or craps on them, or gives them cooties, or whatever? Not my problem.

So I sneaked away and wasted a few hours with Grady, who seems to spend a lot of his free time whacked out on drugs in the alley behind Club DEVO. He'll also share the stuff with you, if you're into pharmaceuticals. He giggles and falls over a lot and the rest of the Smart Patrol don't seem to have a problem with it. I was a bit surprised there wasn't a lecture from Jamie, but then the dala had kicked in and I didn't care any more.

Dala. Oh yeah, that's the stuff. Heh.

You kinda have to be a little whacked out, since the only entertainment seems to be a herky-jerky holo-projection of an ancient DEVO performance or a recently mutated guy named Booji Boy warbling gawd knows what. Yeah, I bought tickets to both shows. You gonna make something of it? Huh? In all honesty, I could have spent a couple of hours in the alley lying face-down in a puddle thinking I was inside watching a show.

You do what you want on a holiday, and I'll do what the hell I want. If I want to sit in the alley like a hobo, then that's my business.

Locked away in a room the Golden Oasis Retirement Home was the real DEVO, occasionally playing songs, but mostly cursing and squabbling with each other like crazy old men do. "That's the same fuck-up you did 35 years ago!"

Nothin' like watching old dudes fight. If I ran the Golden Oasis Retirement Home I'd sell tickets for it.

Biggest mistake? Helping Max feed them chocolate pudding. I still wake up screaming. Luckily, I left before the sponge baths which I suspect was another job for new Smart Patrol recruits.

I had just enough power left in the time/space machine to get home in time to unpack and do a load of laundry, wash my hair, and watch The Big Bang Theory before I went back to my regular work routine.

I'll be powered up again for another trip soon. Next time I'll bring my own "kick me" signs.


Scott said...

What the hell are you talking about?

Severina said...

Dude, come on. It's not that hard to follow.

I went on a trip. I took photos. I posted them.

You're just upset that you haven't got a space/time machine.