Greetings from the Omnigraphic Blogopticon. On view are vile sticky things dragged from the attic, snarky commentary on the world at large, and all-encompassing ennui. All that and a weird rubbery smell. A horrible time will be had by all.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Crafty Hell

Uhhh, apparently I've been sucked away for the past six months to some other dimension by a crappy horror-comedy novel/shitfest I seem to think I'm writing. I've slapped together like 275 pages of pure dreck thus far, but considering the amount of total garbage I've been reading lately that's gotten published I probably shouldn't have any problems selling the fucking thing. I am quite possibly delusional at this point.

Whatever. More on the progress of the 275-page soul-sucking thing later.

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Ladies just have way too much damn time on their hands in the South. No, I didn't make this, whatever the hell it is. It hangs on a bathroom door at my parents' house, possibly as a reminder that Southern crafters should maybe find other hobbies before they start making lace toilet brushes, false teeth cozies, and knitted doilies for hemorrhoid cream tubes. It's bad enough they like to crochet toilet paper dolls and fashion decorative fish out of bars of soap and tulle.

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On the other hand, I did make this thing. Those googly eyes will follow you to your grave. It's actually a re-do of a pillow I made years ago. A friend had a vile little black and red velvet cat pillow she'd found at the thrift store and I just had to have one so I traced the cat on some newspaper. Unfortunately I only had some nasty brown fake fur and a blue print fabric to make mine.


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It started coming un-stitched a couple years ago and the flowers and ribbon came off but I never got around to fixing it. A couple weeks ago I found a huge bag of fiber batting at the thrift store and hauled out some scraps of red corduroy and black velour (both from the thrift store), traced the horrible brown kitty and made another pillow. Everything from the pink ribbon and white flowers to the googly eyes came from random thrift store grab bags over the years. Except for the ladybugs. Those came off a robe or something my grandma made for me when I was like six.

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The Spotted Thing is less than impressed and he's trying out a little cat stink-eye on me.

I keep intending to post new knit patterns, but I haven't really done any new things for the past few months. I did manage to finish the gray lace/cable knit stockings and I'll have the pattern up at the Knit-O-Rama in a bit, but I can't seem to get much further than one-and-a-half black lace stockings, mostly because I'm pissed off at the yarn. Cotton has no fucking memory whatsoever so it sucks as a stocking material unless it has some Spandex or elastic in it. Pfffttt. So I'll most likely just photograph the one for the pattern, then re-knit the pair in wool for my own deviant amusement.

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I promise you they look way better worn than they do flopped out on the bed like that. Thee was no point in posting the black lace stocking photo I took because there's a way better one here.

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I started back on that leaf purse last week. When I run out of plot or my characters won't dance, monkey, dance like they're supposed to I've been stringing beads. I'm almost 2/3 of the way through the chart and will be thrilled all to pieces when I'm done with it because I've got a couple little ones I want to make with roses and such. They'll probably be about half as wide as this one.

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Beady crap, left to right. Amber bracelet from Bead & Button magazine June 2009, black and hematite leaf bracelet with purple berry clusters and magnetic clasp, amber/purple/black crocheted lariat necklace six feet long. These I made probably back in September or October before I got burned out by beads and that damn (snort) "novel" came along.

Meh. Back to it.

4 comments:

Mouse said...

At first I was simply just horrified at that toilet brush crafty thing & then I read on and found out that it was made by women in the South. OMG-- I'm a woman and *I* live in the South.... NOOOOOO!!! Does this mean I have to start crafting this sort of nonsense? I hope this is something only natural born Southern women have to do.. as a transplant I may be safe.
By the way.. happy (as usual) to see that reports of your demise were entirely false.

Severina said...

*said with a wavery, otherworldly voice*

Boooooooo, I'm the undead! Wooooooo!

cough cough cough

The South is a horrifying place for crafts to happen. Now you could possibly counteract the Southern Crafty Affliction by making a toilet paper doll in an 80s-style gothy black crinoline, or crochet some purple doilies.

The toilet brush? There ain't no help for it. I say set fire to it and say a few incantations so it doesn't come back to haunt us.

Lady Euphoria Deathwatch said...

Hi Severina,

It is good to hear from you again.

(Though I do have to say that the first picture was a bit off putting.)

That such horrors are out there is amazing. I'll stick with cemeteries and cobwebs, thank you very much.

Love the purse. You are doing a great job with it. I can't wait to see it done.

Hugs, Euphoria

Obsidian Kitten said...

I would read however many pages of dreck you could compose. (However, I too am not entirely sane in the head.)

Glad to know the spotted thing did not devour you. The world is a better place for having you in it.

Love the beading. It appeals to my OCD impulses and the end results are very lovely.

Facebook has entirely depleted any urge I once had to blog. Curses!